fall of safety

Guided by the gale, the thousand raindrops beat against the opaque glass, the bricks, the wood. Outside, it was bitter, bleak, and barren. Outside, the raging war lasted. Outside, no one (safe for those in desperate need of provisions) dared venture.

The coffee fragrance slowly found its way in every nook and cranny, until all the air was saturated. For inside, it was comfy, caring, caldo. Inside, the buzz of the radio caressed the pairs of drums. Inside, the war couldn't reach. Inside, everyone returned at the end of the day.

Inside was haven.

Outside was autumn.


missed calls: ex-crush (2)

Boys will be boys will be boys.

Had two missed calls from a boy last Saturday night (said boy incidentally was my secret MAJOR crush a couple of months back), and ok, when you call two times within 30 minutes, it's bound to be important, right? But I was all *squeal* about calling him back. Texted him instead, today, very nonchalantly, asking him what had been the matter. He said he couldn't remember, but if it was important, he was bound to, or something.

Why does my imagination embark on an instant roller-coaster ride as soon as something like this happens? I'm not even interested in him anymore (not like that, I mean), but somehow he's still got some kind of hold on me. It's a bit like my crush from 4 years back, whom - if I see him at the bus stop - I don't even dare to say 'hi' to or look at, haha.

So guess what my imagination came up with now? It involves truth or dare. Yep, I totally went there. I mean, why else would you call twice on a Saturday evening and forget the reason only two days later?

Wow, I'm pathetic :-)

And I pray to God he doesn't read my blog. I don't think he does, because honest? No one actually reads my blog or knows of its existence. So, I'm being bold and I'm keeping this entry public.

So, boy, if you read this, recognise yourself, and are freaked out: don't worry. I gave up pursuing anything like that aaaages ago. You're nothing but a good friend whom I hang out with from time to time now. That, and give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back because you just got complimented.

a walk through memories

With my head still full of mucus, I find it hard to concentrate on my homework. Though with four deadlines next week, I forced myself to read at least one chapter. If I put my mind to it I can possibly read another chapter before dinner. I guess I'll try that.

I keep catching myself doing other random stuff for which I don't really have to think, not intelligently at least. Like going through old plush toys and clutter that's taking up way too much space on my shelves. Which brings me to a new journal prompt:

01. Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

Going through those things together with my sister – we share a room – you're suddenly faced with decisions you didn't think you'd have to make. Do you throw this, and with it a part of your childhood, out? Or do you store it away in a shoebox somewhere? You received some things from friends or family, so you can't really throw it out, but what are you going to use it for, especially since it's faded and fraying all around. You know exactly where you got it or whom you got it from. Every piece is linked to a memory.

So it's not about something I lost, but very much about things I'll never be able to replace. I'm just not sure of whether I want to keep them.

As am I not sure if I'm going anywhere with this, so I think I'll stop. My concentration is wavering and my cavities need to be emptied in a tissue. I apologise for the visuals.

Catch you later.

the healing can begin

A cure has been found. The healing can begin...

Or so one of the many journal prompts says. Maybe I'm not seeing things, but I believe LJ's writer's block prompts are missing from the homepage, and I felt like blogging. Probably because I'm down with the flu and I really feel like procrastinating; so unfortunately the vast mountains of MA-homework on my desk aren't about to get any less vast.

So, that cure would actually come in quite handy right about now. This week I had to translate an English article about a possible 'cure' for neuropathic pain. Quite an intricate text about ion channels on pain sensitive nerve fibers and their unique resistance for the puffy fish toxin. This article was written back in 2003 or 2004, so it's a bit dated, but it was really interesting. Researchers apparently isolated that channel and, using marine snail toxin they can target and block it to ensure pain causing electric spikes don't have a chance, thus relieving neuropathic pain.

Really quite interesting. But for the moment, I'm thinking of ways to relieve my own woes, selfish as that may be. I'm on cough syrup, strepsils, and aspirin, one of which is bound to help. Also bought a handful of vintage jewelry on eBay. Boy, does that cheer me up! That, and a big, fluffy Rilakkuma pillow. Maybe I'll get some of that homework done after all.

Hope you're all healthy and happy :-) Stay clear of those germs!

Visual Treats

Watched some awesome films the last few days.

[15/01] Shakespeare in Love
I watched this one late Sunday evening, right after I posted my last LJ entry. You could say that it was exactly what I needed to take my mind off things. Needless to say, postponing my going to bed didn't mean I was able to sleep right away when I finally went at 2:30am. I spent at least the first 45 min mulling things over.

Anyway, I love Shakespearean films, and this was a film about Shakespeare himself, whether fiction or reality. I am incredibly attracted to the setting and action and drama, and of course the love, so I really enjoyed watching this. Near the ending, I had this deja-vu kind of feeling that I'd seen it before, which I later realised I had. After watching films like these, I always feel I want to become an actor, to get the opportunity to see yourself in a world seemingly so different from the world I'm in now.

[16/01] Tangled
I cannot express my love for this one to a sufficient extent. It has to be, by far, one of my all-time Disney favourites. Perhaps it's do with (again) the setting, or maybe the awesomenosity of Flynn and the frying pan, as separate entities I mean.You know, I think I might watch it again sometime this week. The only thing that—well, 'bothers' is not the right word—is that Rapunzel's head somehow seems too big in the healing Flynn from death scene, and that I prefer her with long (blond) hair :D

[17/01] Adam
My mum, sis, and I had a girls' night in, when we watched this. My dad was away on business. The film was… I don't know what to call it actually. It was about a guy with Aspergers Syndrome who meets the girl who moved into the same apartment building. She is terribly interested in him and he is excited when around her. They get into a relationship, and of course there are some difficulties. Without giving away the ending, they both struggle with achieving some kind of dream or progression in life, and I must say the filmmakers did a wonderful job of portraying this. Especially since it's not too cheesy.

Sometimes It All Just Sucks Arse

You'll recognise this, when you feel so extremely disappointed, down, and sad. So extremely misunderstood and wrongly accused. You want to tell the whole world about it, but at the same time you don't. I feel like that at the moment. Part of me wants to get it all out on Twitter, on Facebook, but then I feel like I'd be complaining too much, littering my profile pages with too many depressing thoughts, and thus always keeping up appearances, the façade.

So what do you do next? Bottle it up, talk about it with your family, but somehow that doesn't seem enough. Then you post it on the blog no one reads anyway. Because then somehow, the people you actually want to tell it to but for whom you want to keep up that happy-go-lucky façade might get to your unread blog and read what's bothering you.

Some things happened. With a friend. Apparently there was a lack of information which warped into this twisted view, into a disappointment. Combine that with not being able to meet because of a seriously busy schedule and living several dozen kilometers apart — and the disappointment got bigger. Now I tried to contact her and I run into this (for me) unexpected disappointment and her saying I'm suddenly "asking for attention".

I am so extremely tired of people not speaking their minds, of not letting me know if something I'm doing or not doing is bothering them. Of them letting things like these fester.

But something I'm even more tired of is that I keep walking into these… friendship glitches. That I apparently have a different expectation of friendships. I believe that if you live kilometers apart and have your own busy schedule, it happens that sometimes you don't talk for a month or two. Or even three. But when you do contact each other through calling or actually meeting, things should be fine! You can be happy that you see each other after all this time, you can talk, and catch up, and reminisce. That's what should happen!

I don't expect people to actually get mad at me for not having heard from me in a bit. I mean, I don't get mad for not having heard of them! It goes two ways, right?

And even here I can't express my feelings properly, because I'm scared she'll read this and get the wrong impression, which is why I want to meet her, ask what's exactly bothering her and explain things, clearing out these misunderstandings! I don't want to talk about things via email, because I know that only leads to more misunderstandings!

I'm not saying that I couldn't have done more in the past, but I'm saying I've tried to handle things to the best of my abilities.

I know that at the moment I'm trying my best to work things out, but there's only so much I can do. I only hope that it will be enough. 


Writer's Block: Celebs

Who is your favorite celebrity right now?

I think that has to be Lee Min Ho. I've just watched City Hunter and I absolutely loved him in it. Somehow it's so extremely satisfying if a series' couple is a real life couple as well. I don't know why that is. And seriously, I normally don't care what celebrities do or don't do in their private lives, but Park Min Young and Lee Min Ho just looked sogorgeous on screen! :D

(no subject)

After three blissfully lazy weeks - one of sick-leave and a two week holiday - I am back at work! The same old sushi-bar. Though I think I forgot how to entertain myself here; I've been staring straight ahead for the past half hour. I need... a mental challenge! 8D

Singing class this afternoon, which I'm not entirely looking forward to. For several reasons. One, everything is too clasically-based and constantly throwing out the vocals of an opera-singer just isn't my thing. Two, I haven't reeeally practised. Three, I'm tired as hell! Heh, I know; how can I be tired after lazing around three weeks straight? I don't know either.

We watched He's just not that into you yesterday, and I have mixed feelings about it. It was fun, sure, but also a bit over-the-top exaggerated. And I think I need to watch a movie which doesn't have Scarlett Johansson stealing other women's husbands. I think it's time for that.

Writer's Block: Memories

What is your earliest memory?

My earliest is a bit of a funny (or maybe sad) one. I think this has to be from when I was 2 or 3 years old. It was around noon and my mother had to pick up my brother and sister from primary school. Seeing as I was too little and hyper-active at that time, my mum put me in one of those high chairs somewhere in the living room. Before she left, she was all sweet and gave me a kiss, asking if I wanted to listen to some music. Should she turn on the radio? I was weepy about being left alone and said no.

Then, when she was gone, I realised that I did want to listen to music! The room suddenly seemed so empty, so big! Naturally, I started crying as I was stretching my tiny arm towards the stereo, unable to reach it and wobbling on my high chair. Last thing I remember is seeing my mum's face through the kitchen window, eyes wide with shock as she took in my tear-strained face.

A bit odd, but that's what I remember :)